Writing to you something more personal.
I woke up last night maybe only 30 mins into sleep; I know this because I was on my phone last before I fell asleep and as soon as I put my phone down I knocked straight out. It was such a strange feeling. It didn’t feel like I really had woken up and that it could of been apart of the dream, but, how could I walk to the kitchen and pour myself some water. Every step I took felt like I was running away from the thoughts I had within the dream: an impossible decision to make. Choosing one of the two mean great things for one side but a disaster for the other, vise versa. Every step made me feel empty, cowardly and scared; that everything I was doing was the wrong choice. It’s like every decision needs to be perfect in my head but that’s not my reality.
How I look at all the problems on my plate is that they need to be done now and I haven’t accepted that it’s not possible to do them now. I need to prioritize. It’s so hard to stick to a mindset when you feel like there are so many people observing you. How do you not care a great deal about how people view you. To find a good balance is so hard for me. Running away seems so easy but it’s just like my dream… empty, cowardly and scared. These feelings hit me so deep and were amplified last night. Woken up at an ungodly hour, tired and my mind filled with thoughts and things I need to get done.
It makes me sad to see that I’m always keen to start thing but not finish them. The result from my perspective… an endless to do list. People say motivation is key but I want to rely on my willpower to keep on striving. Easier said than done. There’s a phone call I need to make that I know will give me a push of clarity and guidance but I’m scared. The great change that may happen.. I. Am. Scared.
Off topic but I feel I need to make it clear; about my writing style. I guess it’s apart of my nature to not be judged the wrong way. My posts may more than often be me spiting my thoughts on a blog or a rubbish tip for my head to clear itself. So bear with me. Posts like this are for me and it probably won’t seem like it with this last paragraph; what with explaining to people that are possible strangers. *sigh* such is life.