Mar 8, 2017

Boom crash gone with a splash

I feel my head’s not screwed on and has adopted an empty mindset

All the people around me move on with their lives

And yet I feel so distant with mine

My grip on the battle of life to keep going is slowly slipping

What’s there to do?

There’s everything and more we can do

We live our lives not knowing of any certainty

Look ahead of what’s to come.. who knows what that may be

Here we make our stand doing things we know not

Typing away there’s no end goal or coherence in what I am saying

To who’s job is it for any one person to succeed in life?

We know the answer

What works for one person may not work for another

So what absolutes are actually true?

I continue to sit here

My head phones plugged in

No music playing

Facts to remember

What an ugly word “thing”is

How people meet and do

We group together all existing

Help me

Help me

Help me

The aid that we seek is one where it enables us to do

Not where we rely

How kind is it to say that one has potential

Everyone shares this

A common trait show me an instance where this is not so

Be kind to one another

How is this?

 

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Rant about a know-it-all

Free style rant commence.

Holy shit balls I’m annoyed at all the know-it-all students in my lab at uni. To me I find that they really don’t need to be there because they’ve obviously learnt all the material before hand to a tee. I really like to figure the facts out with people who aren’t at a higher level. A little “we’re all in this together” kinda thing. There’s just a certain way they go about things in which makes learning about the context craptastic. I guess part of this annoyance goes to their knowledge about it all highlights what I don’t know.. so then I guess that’ll benefit me in the end. Arrrgh. I reckon I just need to stop comparing myself to these people who are ahead in their education journey and don’t be afraid to be wrong. With that said most people just look at you like: “oi looks at this guy.. derp derp derp”.. but why should I care? I shouldn’t but I do. Build a bridge, get over it? Accept yourself for your weaknesses and realize that you have your own strengths? Ask questions for the sake of yourself? Lol I always feel bad after a rant because I always trace the cause of the problem back to myself.

Toga! Toga! Toga!

Six hours ago all I had in my possession was a wet phone, wet socks, wet shoes.. and if it wasn’t obvious already; a wet bed sheet. I was sitting on a gutter outside maccas rolling a durrie and at the point of absolute surrender. My mate wasn’t vibing the night so he went home. I ask going to ask him if I could crash at his and banked on it but the night was fucking fantastic. The foam party at acads was what you expect if you give it some thought. Cannons of soapy death shooting into the unsuspecting party goers eyes burning them dry, people yelling out in excitement only to come to a halt as foam fills them up and when people have had enough; of course we turn to outside as our solace. Betrayed, we realised it’s fucking cold. How fantastic but what a night, above all this it was absolutely a night to be remembered as legendary.

The toga party I found: went. off. Mind you it was a role of the dice because everything that was pre-planned went straight out the window. The two mates that I planned to go with I didn’t see them until I was about to leave for the city. As soon as the bouncers let me in I lost them. #classic . Non the less I jumped from group to group also meeting randoms. Top two spots to meet people:

  • smokers area
  • the line for the shitter

Smokers area I didn’t know anyone but sat myself in the circle and lit up a dart. Spotted this chick with siick shades and told her. We did the good ol formalities and she introduced me to some of her friends. A common goal of needing to pee really unified everyone in queue. It was a team effort to make sure whoever in the shitter didn’t take longer than 30 seconds. It was quite strange how open the group of girls were about their bladder hahahaha. What a time to be alive.

My night ended at 5am at a uni lodge which only through some luck, good karma or whatever fell into my lap. Whilst I was sitting on that gutter I just paused as I thought about my options:

  • Wait until the first bus
  • Walk home (20kms)
  • Call a taxi and tell them I found pay when I’m home
  • Ask a stranger to use their phone to log into Facebook
  • Find an ally to sleep in and freeze to death

But it didn’t matter as I took a few drags my friend had spotted me from behind and sat down next to me. I was cheerin. With everything considered; I’d do it again.

Dream State

Writing to you something more personal.

I woke up last night maybe only 30 mins into sleep; I know this because I was on my phone last before I fell asleep and as soon as I put my phone down I knocked straight out. It was such a strange feeling. It didn’t feel like I really had woken up and that it could of been apart of the dream, but, how could I walk to the kitchen and pour myself some water. Every step I took felt like I was running away from the thoughts I had within the dream: an impossible decision to make. Choosing one of the two mean great things for one side but a disaster for the other, vise versa. Every step made me feel empty, cowardly and scared; that everything I was doing was the wrong choice. It’s like every decision needs to be perfect in my head but that’s not my reality.

How I look at all the problems on my plate is that they need to be done now and I haven’t accepted that it’s not possible to do them now. I need to prioritize. It’s so hard to stick to a mindset when you feel like there are so many people observing you. How do you not care a great deal about how people view you. To find a good balance is so hard for me. Running away seems so easy but it’s just like my dream… empty, cowardly and scared. These feelings hit me so deep and were amplified last night. Woken up at an ungodly hour, tired and my mind filled with thoughts and things I need to get done.

It makes me sad to see that I’m always keen to start thing but not finish them. The result from my perspective… an endless to do list. People say motivation is key but I want to rely on my willpower to keep on striving. Easier said than done. There’s a phone call I need to make that I know will give me a push of clarity and guidance but I’m scared. The great change that may happen.. I. Am. Scared.

Off topic but I feel I need to make it clear; about my writing style. I guess it’s apart of my nature to not be judged the wrong way. My posts may more than often be me spiting my thoughts on a blog or a rubbish tip for my head to clear itself. So bear with me. Posts like this are for me and it probably won’t seem like it with this last paragraph; what with explaining to people that are possible strangers. *sigh* such is life.

Open Day Rap Break Down

Rapped to the beat of “Rap Game 2011 – Swit Beats” on Spotify

the word on the street (A)

is project beats (A)

settin’ up shop (B) – the new studio that is being built

ready to pop (B) – ready to dance in the style of popping

 

we be spinin’ (C) – djing

graffin’ (C) – graffiti art

breakin’ (C) – bboying/bgirling

and jammin’ (C) – cyphers/ “dance circles

 

so hip hop hooray (A) a song by Naughty By Nature

come to open day (A) – the event at the studio

1-6-9 city walk (B) – the location

4-1-1 let’s talk (B) 411 is slang for info
 

like a clock (A)

i’m ready to lock (A) – locking as a dance style

cause we be takin’ the town (B) – #projectbeatsrising

pb gunna throwin’ down (B)

 

pre midday is the way (A) – event starts at 11am

my crew gunna slay (A)

we party til four (B) – event finishes at 4pm

keep track of the score (B)

 

don’t miss the heat (A)

let’s scream and shout (B)

at project beats (A)

peace out (B)

 

Saturday..

what’s 9 plus 10

21… – the date of the event is 21st of January

The Nail That Sticks Out..

“The nail that sticks out gets hammered down” – Japanese Proverb

Man I resonate with this so much and I feel a lot of people would think the same. Some may just fall short in courage to stick and stand out. I advocate for it, absolutely. I may tease people for differences but deep down, just find your own identity and stand in it.

Using my late topknot as a example, it was a hairy nail 😛 The whole process of growing it was one of the hardest things to stick to. All the teasing of it, and, it hits hard. When you hold something close to your core character you feel like it’s attacking your identity. And don’t tell me hair isn’t a big deal. The amount of times I hear: “I go to this one hair dresser how knows exactly what I want” or “I ask them for just a trim.. you call this a trim?!”. It’s like what I was growing was a big sign saying “people to make fun of me” and trust, some people have said some pretty harsh things. I don’t understand why people thought it was okay, but, I guess I did expect it. Honestly, why should it really matter what I look like, there’s so much more to me than my look. It’s not like my hair was a snow storm of dandruff. There was no health concerns there or anything. So then what really was the problem? Some people would often say I look like a girl when I have my hair down but I don’t see much wrong with that.

I got a lot of mixed responses from my new hair style (on a side note I searched up what “hairdo” means and it’s specific to a women’s hair style. The more you know :P) and some were for it, mostly against. I just reckon people just don’t like change and once you’re use to it you stop complaining. At the very same this is how I’m wired too but at the very least I’m trying to be more aware of it. People should really bloody do whatever they want, we all have the right to grow our hair a certain way and wear whatever clothes we want. Give that we aren’t truly offending anyone, being insensitive or hurting anyone who cares what our outer shell looks like. There is so much more to a person than what they look like. Lol I really hope this post has some cohesion and flow to it but oh well.

Anyway two things I wanna end on:

1.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=la0-5QFLr14

This is an excellent song. Absolutely fantastic! The lyrics are so lovely: “I see your true colours and that’s why I love you”. That really should be a reason to love someone. You see their true character and you like it, maybe even love it. Because:

“true colours are beautiful… like a rainbow” 🙂

It may be hard and I’m still on this journey but I predict that in finding yourself and standing firm in who that person is, not changing for the sake of others, you’ll be happy.

2. You’re unique..just like everyone else

Everyone has the right to build an identity that is their own. You don’t have to bow down to any person or any trends of this world. What every looks good is really different from person to person and at the end of the day if we aren’t our self then who are we?

Mission Accomplised

I’ve never seen my Dad happier, going out on mission and helping a village in the Philippines. To see masses of people surrounding my Dad and seeing the biggest smile on his face, it makes me happy. Packing a ute with 5 balikbayan, him and my brother set off to help those who truly need it and appreciate it.

My father, humble cleaner with a big heart. The sacrifices that he has made for the people around him is extraordinary for someone who makes a living running a business as a cleaner. Don’t get me wrong, he is a degree holder and all but that’s a different story. I’ve seen so many others with much more higher paying jobs, and for what?

To be honest his generosity may seem like a tad too much at times, but, as long as it goes to the right people, why does it matter? My dad really loves his home country, after all he has still lived most of his life there, he wants it to some day become great again. He talks so highly of the people of the Philippines and they definitely have a fantastic culture, values hardened through time and great food/beer 😛

With his mission from two years ago done and dusted, he seeks to go again in the couple of coming years. I wish to go with him and would like to in 2018. Hopefully I’ll be able to attend CFC YFC’s OCGAT 2018 and after a “father-son tag team duo” will go out to another village to complete an additional mission. Anyone with a heart is welcome to come along. I will continue my father’s legacy. I will #continuethemission ✌

p.s. there is an accompanying video to this on my Facebook. It contains, give or take, about 100 people around my Dad.

Craft Your Environment

Geez how to start this post.. where to begin. I kinda feel like if I just start typing whatever I’m thinking it’ll get the ball rolling. Uh I guess is this where I start 😛

Trying to live by the policy of truth is pretty hard when the people around you may not follow the same. It’s so hard to say that because I can’t be so sure at this point. Basing things off assumptions, I find, tend to lead me down a path and then realize it was the wrong one. But anyway, I shouldn’t side track.

Through my experiences with the people around me, I find there’s a lot of missing connections, people not being straight with one another. In my eyes I feel it creates something toxic and that’s not an environment for young people to flourish.

I just stumbled upon this good ol Ted Talk and it presented the following points in regards to “How to speak so that people want to listen”:

  • Honesty – be clear and straight
  • Authenticity – be yourself
  • Integrity – be your word
  • Love wish – them well

Now these four things I find hard to do, I won’t pretend to be an expert on these points but with these, I see the value in them. If I was straight up honest with certain people around me I would have a lot less situations looming over my head. They may have been fixed the moment they were spawned. I’d have so much more peace in my life and less to think about before going to sleep. It may be possible I wouldn’t be up at 5am writing a blog post too. Be clear and straight.

Be yourself. So much more easier said. I’d like to think I project a bit of myself when I talk to others. In this sense you’re building yourself up, well, with yourself. Not just some words you wanted to piece together because you think I’d make you appear cool. Just as the Ted Talk speaker, Julian Treasure, said:

“Standing in your own truth”

By doing so I feel I’d be harder for someone to tear you down since you’ve constructed something, that’s of you, so you can back it up the same that it is made.

Integrity is a hard one. All you’d have to do is be your word once and you’d have it solid. With the same logic going against your word once you’ve already devalued it but with it in a good state, people will believe in you. You won’t just be some kid who dreams to be everything in the world.

It’s pretty important that love is tired into these four points. The speaker even states how brutal honesty can be unneeded. What can be great is honesty mixed with love.

Well shit, I pretty much summed up a fraction of the video, which wasn’t my initial intention. Let’s get back to what I wanted. As a friend once put it: dumping my random thoughts”. I like that one.

anyway

I feel that the environment I’m in is so full of negativity that it has created this self doubt that has affected all areas of my life. It doesn’t even have to be people not being honest with me, when I see people not being honest with others I allow it to affect me. More so allow it to cause tremendous emotion of sadness within me. And for what? I’ve identified who are my friend and their opinions matter to me. So why should I let other peoples opinion about me affect how I feel about myself.What kind of trade off is it if I lose a bit of myself in personalizing a problem that doesn’t directly correlate with me. In even hearing about peoples’ beef with others I begin to distance myself with one of the parties which i reckon is the “bad” side. And they haven’t even done anything to me. All in all, I know what I should be doing, the right thing to do.

Get mad, make sure it doesn’t happen again, learn, move on and love freely. ✌

The Four Three Oh

You can leave me with my movie
Or you can leave my with your time
Either or all
I just don’t mind

I only gave my word
So the truth can be heard
As clock strikes
The One three three

I will be free
From the light that shines
Can you find
That this is a crime?
For sleep to be lost
To a creation of such
A little thing

With a ring

Little La Shaniqua
Let’s let it out
That praise and shout
The glory in his name
No doubt about his fame
Cuz aint no game
I aint playin’ wit chu
That’s lame

My Confession

In the making, rapped to “Dirty Swag – Swit Beats”

 

Lemme tell you
About a confession
A lil dope story
That is my succession

Pulling out the weeds
Destroying my life
And this is how
I’m gonna
Make it all right

Prior to this date
I was feelin’ the fate
A lotta darkness and shade
What’s great?

We all fade away
So let’s make a stand
Please!
Come on
Take a hand

Compassion and support
Her actions need torque
Cataclymictastic Rhymes
Hold onto the fresh times